What the Lord bestows

I stood in front of the receptionist desk and tried hard to think about what she was asking:

"Can you come in on July 7?"

My mind was elsewhere, trying to sort out the conversation Ryan and I had just had with the doctor at the Duke Fertility Clinic. Five failed rounds of fertility treatments, and he said it was time to move on to a new course of action.

Percentages, multiples, thin lining, endometriosis, maternal age, insurance, cost...

How did I get here, and how do I make it stop?

I fumbled in my purse for my phone to look up July 7 on the calendar, but before I could get to that screen, I saw a text from a friend. She knew about our infertility struggles but didn't know I had an appointment that day. (I just love when the Lord does that.) The text said:

"Read this the other day and thought about you:
'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly' Psalm 84:11."

A crack of light disrupted my darkness, right there in front of the receptionist.

It was as if Jesus Himself walked up to me, leaned in, and whispered in my ear.

"Remember I am FOR you, Susan. I am FOR you in this."

"Yes, July 7th. I'll be here," I said

*****************

If I had it my way, I'd have been pregnant with number two in January of this year.

As is often the case, the Lord had other plans. Other plans which included leading Bible study at church and starting back to work at IBM.

Yes, in the midst of our longing and struggling and striving for another baby (and if I'm honest, my overall attitude of discontentment), the Lord in fact answered my prayers for something new. 

******************

I was at the lake with Allison this summer when I got the text (another one). I pushed the phone back in my pocket and ran to put sunscreen on Will.
It's too soon. I'm not ready. This is not what I was praying for.
The lake, three small kids, dinners, clean up, nap times, and play kept me occupied until I got home, reopened the text, and shared with Ryan.

"Denise texted me and said she has a part-time position back at IBM if I'm interested. I'm not interested, right?"
"Let's just see what the details are, " was his response.

Stability. Practicality. I love that man for both.

Long story short,  I accepted the job at the end of July. (And now finally, a legitimate reason why I've neglected this poor blog. Apparently, a girl can't simultaneously have a job and a blog.)

My motivation for accepting the job was simply this: How can I feel discontent, pray for something new, and then turn it down because it's not wrapped in a baby blanket like I hoped?

I couldn't.

And by the grace of God, I didn't. 

"A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

I've now been working part-time from home for two and a half months. And I've had the privilege of leading a group of ladies in Bible study on Tuesday mornings for one and a half.

The July 7 meeting at the fertility clinic came and went, and the doctor recommended a month off of treatment before climbing the next rung. I actually welcomed the time off. I pushed the box of medicine I'd received in the mail to the back of my fridge and concealed it with a bottle of ketchup and bag of Oreos. For one month, we weren't going to live in that world.

Well, one month of not living in that world led to two and now three.

All because this happened:

I always say I'm impossible to surprise. I'm always thinking, always preparing, always trying to set up my life to be as predictable as possible. In one sense, the world of infertility actually kind of fit into that mentality. I'd take a drug, get pregnant, and know the exact day and time it happened.

I'm happy to report: Not. this. time. No drugs. No expectations. Total surprise.

The Lord, in His abundant kindness, bestowed favor and honor. I don't know why, because we certainly don't deserve it. I pray hard that He'll do the same for people dear to me who are still walking that dim road, waiting for their favor and honor.

Today, we give Him heartfelt praise for our news.

(Baby is due April 7.)

Will's red-letter day

A new dump truck, FaceTime and presents with Grandma, a pizza party, more new trucks, a dirt cake, little friends, a real-live tractor, and nighttime swinging at the farm. That was Will's day today. (Shhhh! Don't tell him it was all Plan B because of rain and mud at the farm!)

 It's probably a good thing a birthday only comes around once a year! Phew!

Happy 2nd birthday (on the 15th), wild man!

Practicing blowing out candles at home. (Yes, we practiced.)

Becca and her amazing "dirt" cake. (And even more amazing son, George)

Peek-a-boo with Mimi

Oh, the poor people at Milton's pizza! The floor was our racetrack.

I like y'all singing to me!

Might as well be sisters.

More new trucks!?!?!? You can't be serious!!!

You've never met a better babysitter. Or friend.

It was a real good day. Can you tell?

School, school, we love school!

Will's second first day of preschool went better than his first.

Here he is back in June, when he went to Mother's Morning Out at Leesville Baptist for the first time:

And this was him this morning, eating breakfast before the first day of preschool at BayLeaf:

Happy on both occasions. (But only because he didn't know what was about to hit him!)

Back in June, the ladies at Leesville had to call me to pick him up early twice -- yes, twice -- in a row because he wasn't happy and wasn't settling down. I couldn't decide whether to feel like a failure or take it as a compliment. I mostly felt like a failure (all the other kids are just fine, what's wrong with my kid!?). As far as the compliment goes, I know I'm an all-star mother and all, but really, Will? They have a playground. A Playground. Don't tell me you'd rather be inside with your mama because I've got 1 year and 9 months worth of evidence to the contrary (which is why we enrolled you in preschool in the first place)!

Everything aside, after two times of picking him up early, he started doing great. I'd pick him up (at the normal time) and hear comments like: "He did great!" "We love him!" "He's so busy!"

I'll chalk his early difficulties up to him having a hard time with change, even good change. He gets that honest. And of course I'll chalk it up to the all-star mother that I am (ahem: pouches for lunch, M&Ms to keep him awake in the car, five-dollar trips to the Rainbow Room. I'm obviously fabulous.)

Needless to say, I was geared up for today to be a difficult transition just like it was in June. On our way to the church this morning, I enthusiastically sang our little cheer over and over again in the car: "School, School, we love School! Yay, School!" (Believe me, I got good at that cheer during his time at Leesville this summer!)

With a quick kiss, "I love you," and commendation to "be big and brave," I dropped him off and made a beeline for the car before his quivering lip had me asking for a refund right then and there.

I had made no plans for the morning (except to be by my phone).

But it didn't ring.

When I picked him up, Mrs. Katelyn's first comment was: "He did great!" When he saw me at the door, he didn't start crying, remembering I'd left him, nor did he happily run towards me (bummer). I honestly think he was trying to decide if he was really ready to leave his class of Joyful Giraffes.

Preschool success.

(Now before things start to sound perfect over at the Thomsens, let me say that he screamed bloody murder at me the whole way home. I offered him my phone (I never do that), I offered him some tic tacs (all-star!), but he wanted none of it.)

Either he was exhausted or he just missed me that much.

I think it was definitely the second.

My precious boy is growing up!

(Here are more pics from today!)

That huge gap between his front teeth?
Yeah, he gets that honest, too.
(Sorry, buddy.)

The road to the farm

When I started this blog, I thought I'd write about our journey with the new property and record Will's milestones.

It's safe to say I've accomplished half of my goal.

In fairness, the lack of updates on the property is due to ... well, lack of updates on the property.

The bank offered us better financing on a construction loan if we owned the property a year before we applied. May 8 was our one-year anniversary with the "farm," as we've started calling it (sounds better than the property).

As of a few weeks ago, we now have a construction loan, and we have one more box to check before the builder can break ground.

We've had some initial meetings with the builder, and after each one, our excitement grows. We're thrilled to be stewards of this land and incredulous that we'll actually live there one day.

But, that's not to say we haven't been challenged over this last year with thoughts like:
Did we do the right thing?
In ten years, will this turn out to be the good investment we thought it was?
Did the Lord really lead us here?

And those questions call for us to start leaving a trail, which is the purpose of this post.

In Joshua 4, the Lord tells the Israelites to set up stones as remembrances after experiencing the Lord's faithfulness in crossing the Jordan. The people of Israel and their children could come back to that place, remember what the Lord had done, assure themselves that He had done it, and worship Him for acting on their behalf.

Much in the same way, we want to erect some stones of remembrance about how we became the stewards of this land.

I said in an earlier post that Ryan first became aware of the land when he was looking on a map to see the location of a friend's new house. (In other words, we weren't looking!) Add Ryan's innate curiosity to a large plot of land for sale inside Wake County, and you've got the ingredients for a major investigation (and little did we know at the time, eventually a purchase!).

A week before Ryan launched his investigation on the land, he met Janet at one of his Edward Jones seminars. Janet was a realtor with an office two doors down from Ryan's. Janet agreed to join Ryan on his rabbit trail. If ever there was someone with negotiation skills and determination parallel to Ryan's it was Janet.

Around the same time Ryan met Janet, he also met Alois, the son of one of his clients, who just happened to be a surveyor. Alois coached Ryan on which questions to ask and ensured he did his due diligence before buying. The land purchase would not have happened were it not for Alois.

We got another big confirmation when Ryan's uncle Bart came in town from California to watch his son play a baseball game at UNC. Ryan has always admired Bart, for his faith and for his savvy in the real estate world. Bart owns several mobile home parks in California and is extremely knowledgeable about real estate investments. Not to mention, the only other time Bart was in Raleigh was for our wedding six years ago. The fact that Ryan was able to show the land to Bart, talk through the details, and get Bart's opinion (and nod of approval) was invaluable to us, and we counted it as a huge confirmation.

The lot we bought is actually two lots, one is 9.1 acres and the other is 1.1 acre. We later learned what a sovereign divide that was -- the bank was willing to offer us financing on a personal residence, but only up to 10 acres (not 10.2). That would be sovereign enough, but then we were able to negotiate a lower price on the smaller lot, which, after the appraisal, meant we had enough equity to use as a down payment on building the house.

(And a note on the appraisal: Tough lending requirements from 2008 allowed us to get a generous appraisal because the existing house on the property checked so many boxes (even though in reality it was a dump). The appraiser had to go by the grid and not his subjective opinion, which greatly worked out in our favor!)

So far, the story has been all about Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. I'll be honest and say that's an accurate portrayal. The whole time this was going on, I was at home, telling Ryan he was crazy, there was no way we could afford this, he was wasting his time, and on and on. It ain't pretty, but it's true.

I was worried about the money, yes. I was also worried about a life outside of a neighborhood. Growing up, I rode bikes and played kickball with the neighborhood kids. When mom got sick, our neighbors (along with the church) brought meal after meal to us for years. When mom got to the point of being bedridden, our closest neighbors came by for a "tea party" with her every Tuesday afternoon. This, to me, is life. Or, healthy life I should say. As much of an introvert as I am, I know it's not wise to live apart from others. Would buying this property do that to us?

Ryan came home from one of his "explorations" one afternoon and told me he had driven through the neighborhood that backs up to the property. He had even knocked on doors, and he told me he had some great news. The house closest to the property (as in you can see it clearly from the driveway) is owned by a young couple with a three-year old little girl and a little boy on the way.

Neighbors. Our same age and stage.

I no longer had the neighborhood rebuttal at my defense.

When setting up stones of remembrance, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention prayer. What better trail to leave in the woods than prayer? I could never say we prayed as much as we should have ("pray without ceasing" the Bible says), but we did pray: about whether we should be doing this, about the Lord sovereignly knocking down obstacles in our path, about Him helping us keep a loose grasp on things when we started to get excited, about Him ultimately doing His will, not ours.

In the end, I have to credit prayer and Ryan's leadership as the reasons I finally came around.

Wouldn't you know, a month after we closed, I was informed that I was going to be laid off. Several friends were worried: But you just bought this land! Praise the Lord, we had no reason to panic. Ryan knew of my dream to stay at home with Will, and all along, we had run the numbers based on his paycheck, minus mine.

Sovereign God.

The last stone I'll lay down is this:

Everyone who knows Will knows that he's an explorer. He's never still and hates to be confined. He loves being outside, in a large area where he is free to wander. Every day his personality is an assurance to me that the kind and loving Lord has given us this land, if for no other reason than that it is perfect for Will.

If we build a house, like we are planning to do, and we live on and enjoy the land for years, we'll praise the Lord.
If He takes it from us tomorrow, and we never get to live there, we trust in His Spirit that we'll still praise Him and be thankful for the journey this last year has been.

For now, we're laying down these stones of remembrance on the road to the farm and praying that in the future, they'll invoke in our hearts the assurance and gratitude for which we laid them down.

The road to the farm

(*Thanks to Brain Frost's sermon years ago about setting up stones of remembrance. I've obviously never forgotten it.)

Sum sum summertime

The following explains why I haven't blogged in a while:

The property...

The lake with friends

Ducks...

The start of preschool

Play dates like this one with Aunt Kelly

Myrtle Beach for the Edward Jones regional meeting

4th of July with friends

  

More play dates, this time with sweet Hayden and MC

(That's how I feel!)

Oh, I must report that Will and Natalie are still going
strong. Allison and I were just talking away on our walk,
and we looked down at our strollers and saw this. 

The lake with the Funderburks

(Staking his claim on the snacks. Way to go, son!)

Riding a jet ski for the first time (for Will, that is).
If he looks stiff, serious, and kinda scared it's because he was.
He didn't move a muscle the whole time he was on,
not even his eyeballs! 

But he must have liked it because when we asked
if he wanted to ride again with Pa, he said yes!

Not to be outdone, mama has had some fun of her own

And I snagged the best date in town to Julie's wedding!

In other words, I haven't blogged in a while because ... SUMMERTIME!

Also in the mix we had Steve, Flora, and Grams' visit of course!

We have house updates, preschool updates, and job updates! Coming as soon as our bathing suits dry out!