What the Lord bestows

I stood in front of the receptionist desk and tried hard to think about what she was asking:

"Can you come in on July 7?"

My mind was elsewhere, trying to sort out the conversation Ryan and I had just had with the doctor at the Duke Fertility Clinic. Five failed rounds of fertility treatments, and he said it was time to move on to a new course of action.

Percentages, multiples, thin lining, endometriosis, maternal age, insurance, cost...

How did I get here, and how do I make it stop?

I fumbled in my purse for my phone to look up July 7 on the calendar, but before I could get to that screen, I saw a text from a friend. She knew about our infertility struggles but didn't know I had an appointment that day. (I just love when the Lord does that.) The text said:

"Read this the other day and thought about you:
'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly' Psalm 84:11."

A crack of light disrupted my darkness, right there in front of the receptionist.

It was as if Jesus Himself walked up to me, leaned in, and whispered in my ear.

"Remember I am FOR you, Susan. I am FOR you in this."

"Yes, July 7th. I'll be here," I said

*****************

If I had it my way, I'd have been pregnant with number two in January of this year.

As is often the case, the Lord had other plans. Other plans which included leading Bible study at church and starting back to work at IBM.

Yes, in the midst of our longing and struggling and striving for another baby (and if I'm honest, my overall attitude of discontentment), the Lord in fact answered my prayers for something new. 

******************

I was at the lake with Allison this summer when I got the text (another one). I pushed the phone back in my pocket and ran to put sunscreen on Will.
It's too soon. I'm not ready. This is not what I was praying for.
The lake, three small kids, dinners, clean up, nap times, and play kept me occupied until I got home, reopened the text, and shared with Ryan.

"Denise texted me and said she has a part-time position back at IBM if I'm interested. I'm not interested, right?"
"Let's just see what the details are, " was his response.

Stability. Practicality. I love that man for both.

Long story short,  I accepted the job at the end of July. (And now finally, a legitimate reason why I've neglected this poor blog. Apparently, a girl can't simultaneously have a job and a blog.)

My motivation for accepting the job was simply this: How can I feel discontent, pray for something new, and then turn it down because it's not wrapped in a baby blanket like I hoped?

I couldn't.

And by the grace of God, I didn't. 

"A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

I've now been working part-time from home for two and a half months. And I've had the privilege of leading a group of ladies in Bible study on Tuesday mornings for one and a half.

The July 7 meeting at the fertility clinic came and went, and the doctor recommended a month off of treatment before climbing the next rung. I actually welcomed the time off. I pushed the box of medicine I'd received in the mail to the back of my fridge and concealed it with a bottle of ketchup and bag of Oreos. For one month, we weren't going to live in that world.

Well, one month of not living in that world led to two and now three.

All because this happened:

I always say I'm impossible to surprise. I'm always thinking, always preparing, always trying to set up my life to be as predictable as possible. In one sense, the world of infertility actually kind of fit into that mentality. I'd take a drug, get pregnant, and know the exact day and time it happened.

I'm happy to report: Not. this. time. No drugs. No expectations. Total surprise.

The Lord, in His abundant kindness, bestowed favor and honor. I don't know why, because we certainly don't deserve it. I pray hard that He'll do the same for people dear to me who are still walking that dim road, waiting for their favor and honor.

Today, we give Him heartfelt praise for our news.

(Baby is due April 7.)