Sunsets and matchbox cars

"The sun's about to set!"

It was the only time the whole week that all of us, simultaneously, stopped. A soapy sippy cup still in hand, I rushed to find my spot by the breakfast nook window, along with Kelly, Kyle, Grams, Whitney, Derek, Ryan, Steve, and Flora. Of course us east-coasters think the sight of the sun setting over the ocean is as rare and beautiful as the Hope diamond, but what I love about my west-coast family is that they still think so, too. The sun setting each evening was the calm to the day's fun chaos, even if we had to trip over matchbox cars and blocks to see it.

We spent the first week of November in California, visiting family, celebrating Thanksgiving early, and attending cousin Brenna's wedding.

In between, we squeezed in a trip to the petting zoo, dinner at the amazing South of Nick's restaurant (where even though I couldn't consume the margarita, just being in its presence made me happy - remember last year's post), walks on the beach, trips to the park, a five-star-two-thumbs-up massage, and sunsets. Oh, those sunsets.

Were it not for Steve and Flora's grandparenting (Flora, that box of trucks? Yes, just yes) and Gigi's amazing generosity and hospitality, Ryan and I couldn't use the words we've been using to describe the trip to friends since we've been back: amazing, restful, fun.

And what did Will think of it all? The pictures speak volumes. But there's one thing I didn't capture on camera that all moms of little boys will understand. You want to know how the trip went for Will? Well, let me mention that Gigi doesn't just live on the beach, she has train tracks directly in front of her house. A train went by probably five times a day. Need I say more about what Will thought of California?

I'll let the pictures say the rest.

The whole airport/airplane thing was much easier this time than last... 

...in part thanks to having his carseat to strap that boy down.

And of course this happened right after the lady told us to prepare for landing.

He got off a plane and got on a bus! Happy boy!

Ahhhh! We're here. (This is the breakfast nook view.)

Petting zoo

Hi, my name is Will.

Just don't ask to take one home. 

These cute cousins were together last Thanksgiving, but they actually acknowledged
each other this year! As you can see...

And here starts the slew of Gigi pictures. Because I adore her,
and I can't decide which pic I like the most.

Post her five-star-two-thumbs-up massage, but you could have guessed that.

Papa the pony

Playing with a backdrop like that? Yeah, Will protested when we got home.

I'll just sleep here in this dog bed. (No, he's not really asleep. This is Will we're talking about.)

I can't remember why he's crying here. Probably because  we
wouldn't let him go down to the ocean at 6am.

How wonderful that we got to see Grandma in Santa Barbara.
Will and Josiah may have missed out on the wedding festivities, but
Grandma and Aunt Robin sure didn't disappoint!

The wedding

One of those CA sunsets

Too bad I'm mid blink.

Oh Ryan. (But still, what a cute pic.)

I only wish I was a part of this movie star pic. Whoa!

The beautiful reception

Only in CA. What a fun tree house. And the trees behind it? Yeah, an avocado orchard.
Ryan's cousin's house. 

On the way home. 

It's still the small things. (Phew! says mommy)

What the Lord bestows

I stood in front of the receptionist desk and tried hard to think about what she was asking:

"Can you come in on July 7?"

My mind was elsewhere, trying to sort out the conversation Ryan and I had just had with the doctor at the Duke Fertility Clinic. Five failed rounds of fertility treatments, and he said it was time to move on to a new course of action.

Percentages, multiples, thin lining, endometriosis, maternal age, insurance, cost...

How did I get here, and how do I make it stop?

I fumbled in my purse for my phone to look up July 7 on the calendar, but before I could get to that screen, I saw a text from a friend. She knew about our infertility struggles but didn't know I had an appointment that day. (I just love when the Lord does that.) The text said:

"Read this the other day and thought about you:
'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly' Psalm 84:11."

A crack of light disrupted my darkness, right there in front of the receptionist.

It was as if Jesus Himself walked up to me, leaned in, and whispered in my ear.

"Remember I am FOR you, Susan. I am FOR you in this."

"Yes, July 7th. I'll be here," I said

*****************

If I had it my way, I'd have been pregnant with number two in January of this year.

As is often the case, the Lord had other plans. Other plans which included leading Bible study at church and starting back to work at IBM.

Yes, in the midst of our longing and struggling and striving for another baby (and if I'm honest, my overall attitude of discontentment), the Lord in fact answered my prayers for something new. 

******************

I was at the lake with Allison this summer when I got the text (another one). I pushed the phone back in my pocket and ran to put sunscreen on Will.
It's too soon. I'm not ready. This is not what I was praying for.
The lake, three small kids, dinners, clean up, nap times, and play kept me occupied until I got home, reopened the text, and shared with Ryan.

"Denise texted me and said she has a part-time position back at IBM if I'm interested. I'm not interested, right?"
"Let's just see what the details are, " was his response.

Stability. Practicality. I love that man for both.

Long story short,  I accepted the job at the end of July. (And now finally, a legitimate reason why I've neglected this poor blog. Apparently, a girl can't simultaneously have a job and a blog.)

My motivation for accepting the job was simply this: How can I feel discontent, pray for something new, and then turn it down because it's not wrapped in a baby blanket like I hoped?

I couldn't.

And by the grace of God, I didn't. 

"A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).

I've now been working part-time from home for two and a half months. And I've had the privilege of leading a group of ladies in Bible study on Tuesday mornings for one and a half.

The July 7 meeting at the fertility clinic came and went, and the doctor recommended a month off of treatment before climbing the next rung. I actually welcomed the time off. I pushed the box of medicine I'd received in the mail to the back of my fridge and concealed it with a bottle of ketchup and bag of Oreos. For one month, we weren't going to live in that world.

Well, one month of not living in that world led to two and now three.

All because this happened:

I always say I'm impossible to surprise. I'm always thinking, always preparing, always trying to set up my life to be as predictable as possible. In one sense, the world of infertility actually kind of fit into that mentality. I'd take a drug, get pregnant, and know the exact day and time it happened.

I'm happy to report: Not. this. time. No drugs. No expectations. Total surprise.

The Lord, in His abundant kindness, bestowed favor and honor. I don't know why, because we certainly don't deserve it. I pray hard that He'll do the same for people dear to me who are still walking that dim road, waiting for their favor and honor.

Today, we give Him heartfelt praise for our news.

(Baby is due April 7.)